Right, time for another moan. There’s been all manner of situations to get my head around in this country; in England when presented with irks or confusing problems I always used to write them down (I kept a diary for 7 years before losing the one I wrote in Sri Lanka, following which I never really committed myself properly again).  Usually in doing so said problems would quickly unravel themselves and I would feel much better. That is more the purspose of this post, to sort myself out rather than to entertain, but I figured I may as well make it public as, like I’ve said before, it gives everyone a more realistic picture of what  it’s really been like here.

I’ve returned to the days of paranoia that accompanied my first couple of months here. The school year is winding up, and my elementary school classes have come to an end until mid-April. I realise now just how much I relied on these classes to keep me busy and fulfilled. Now it’s back to my two main junior high schools, and unfortunately my ‘base’ school (as decided by my Board of Education) happens to be the least friendly of the two. This means that on any days where I don’t have classes, I go there. There’s alot of those days coming up, given that spring vacation is approaching.

I’m at that school today. Tomorrow is graduation, which I will be attending. I wasn’t invited, nor was I told that all day today would be practice for tomorrow’s ceremony. One of the nice office ladies here asked if I would be coming, though, and I said yes. After all, I’ve had much more fun teaching the third years here than at my other school, even if that’s about all this school has going for it.

As I wasn’t told about the practice today (my supervisor here tells me little to nothing), I made use of the morning in the teacher’s room preparing some materials for next week. Then the usual worries started to kick in about why I’m in here on my own.

When these worries start to kick in, one is balancing on a tight rope; fall one side and you hit resentment of your circumstances and the way people view you as a foreigner; fall on the other side (the side I more regularly fall on), and you end up thinking you’re terrible at your job and you’ll go back to England with a head full of regrets and self-esteem at an all-time low.

The obvious reason I’m in here alone is a) because I wasn’t told about the practice and b) I didn’ ask. I wasn’t told probably because they thought I wouldn’t understand and therefore wouldn’t be interested in the rehearsal. I didn’t ask because I felt so fed up having to invite myself to graduation at this, my ‘base school’, that freezing my arse off in the gym on a Saturday morning seemed service enough without doing it all day today when I have far better things to be doing - although I did ask my supervisor if there was anything I could help with, which he either didn’t hear or avoided answering. They’re right though, I wouldn’t understand anyway.

 This little angst falls within a much wider context of concern, mainly at this school but on occasion at my other junior high school too. I am very, very quiet at work here. I tend to want to mind my own business and don’t strike up conversations with other staff members that often. This became the case more recently as I grew tired of feeling like a child in every exchange I had. I also feel like I make alot of people nervous when I speak to them, and so am naturally inclined to not want them to feel that way.

 Yet my predecessor Tammy experienced the same problems at this school that I have - that no-one seems to want to talk, bar the lovely office ladies. Most dispiriting of all is that the English teachers seem to want nothing to do with me; my supervisor ropes me into classes when he can but then my role never stretches beyond that of a human taperecorder. This, I think, is the root of my sadness here. If I don’t feel utilised and valued by those who should value me most here, what hope do I have for feeling I belong among the other members of staff?

I know damn well that I need to try harder. I could strike up more conversations, but I was never good at small talk in England, let alone a country where the small talk’s even more inane than that of the UK.  It’s just a constant ricocheting in my mind between wondering if I should be trying harder but also asking - shouldn’t they be trying harder too?

Of course, I doubt I’d be feeling this malcontent with such magnitude if I hadn’t spend two consecutive days here, which thankfully these days is a relatively rare occurrence.  The persistent chilliness I doubt is doing much to life my spirits, either.

I always find that after days like this going to taiko does me the world of good, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do this evening. Then it’s graduation tomorrow morning, lunch with the staff and off home to forget that this place exists for a few days.

When you next find me, I will be cheerier.

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 6th, 2008 at 9:52 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.